33 1/2 weeks and still horizontal, which gets a person thinking...

This post began as a witty diatribe about how frustrating and mundane it is to be on bedrest.
But, then I put on my big girl pants, got some perspective, and remembered that the whole reason for bedrest is to keep growing a healthy, chubby baby. And, well, that is worth it. (And, also, sometimes I feel like she is going to fall out when I stand up. So, there's that.)

(*Let me state the obvious: I realize that bedrest sounds dreamy if you've never had the pleasure. Stay in bed! People make you food! Watch movies! Read all the books you've ever wanted to read! But, when your sole responsibility and joy in life is taking care of your family, and that is now taken over by everybody else, and they actually reprimand you if you try to to lift a finger, you go bonkers. Trust me. Booonnnnkeerrs.)

However, I will say that I've had some time on my hands to think and think and think some more. And lately, I've been thinking about the worst-kept secret of this pregnancy; that is, that once upon a time, our little baby girl had an identical sister in there.

Yes, twins.

It was very early on that our doctor discovered this when doing a routine ultrasound, and as long as I live, I will never forget the sight of two very distinct lima beans with two very distinct heartbeats living side-by-side in my fertile uterus. There were lots of tears (mine and Steve's) and nervous laughter as my doctor searched around in there to make sure there weren't any others hiding. {smile}

My doctor referred us to a perinatologist for a follow-up ultrasound two weeks from that day, and considering my already-high-risk pregnancies, we imagined we might end up being under the care of this other doctor for the remainder of the pregnancy.

So, for two weeks we were reeling. Every day Steve would stop and look at me and say, "Wow." Usually, repeated several times. We were in shock, but at the same time, truly thrilled. What a blessing. What an overwhelming blessing. We quickly began to talk about a bigger car, two cribs, two carseats, two names, two of everything! Oh, and, hey! We are going to have six children now?!

The day of our appointment came and as the ultrasound tech began we clearly saw one of the babies, now much more developed than a lima bean, with a healthy and rapid heartbeat. Then, to our dismay, she quickly discovered that the other baby no longer had a heartbeat.

I still have a hard time finding words for that sensation. We had lost a baby. If she was the only one I was carrying, it would be considered a miscarriage (my third). But, right there in front of me was another baby, with a happy heartbeat, on her way to becoming our fifth child. There was sadness and loss, but hope for the baby that was still there.

The new doctor had no real explanation. Sometimes it's called, "Vanishing Twin Syndrome" which is just a fancy name for, well, doctor's having no real explanation. "We will keep a close eye on the remaining baby since we don't know what caused the other baby's demise." Um, I didn't like that phrase at all--the baby's demise. "We don't know if maybe it was a defect in the placenta or umbilical cord..."

We waited for several weeks to announce to family and friends that we were expecting because we wanted to wait and see how things went. When we disclosed that I was originally carrying twins, there were some comments like, "So, were you kind of relieved?" and "Well, maybe that was a blessing in disguise because twins would have been so hard."

Um.

I guess sometimes people don't know what to say in these situations...

Until recently, we were deciding between two names that we both adored. We couldn't decide and both of us said we'd be happy with either name. Then I told Steve, "Of course we can't decide. We were supposed to be using two names!"

Again, this loss feels a little ambiguous. But, all I can pull from the air is, "Everything happens for a reason.", also known as faith. Faith in what I can't see or explain. Faith in all things good even when I don't understand the things that aren't so good.

Through all of this, believe me when I say, I feel like my spirit is jumping out of my chest when I think of meeting the little girl who is squirming and stretching inside me. After what may be my most challenging pregnancy yet, we feel so privileged to see who fought her way here--to us.